Customer Service? No thanks.

I'd like to address the genius that came up with the new standard in over-the-phone customer service.  I'd like to congratulate him or her and buy him or her a drink.  Then, I would like to pour that drink over his or her head and punch him or her in the penis or vagina.

I am, of course, referring to the talk-only selections that are so popular nowadays in customer service telephone lines.  If you've ever had to call your Bank or energy company or cable company or mother, then likely you've had to experience this burning pile of vomit.

It works like this:

1.  Dial the number.
2.  Enjoy the 30 second greeting from the dialed company, even though you know exactly what you need to do, which is speak to a human being.
3.  Speak your selections into the phone.
4.  Repeat your selection because the phone said, 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," like we might believe it's an ACTUAL person we're talking to that is almost completely deaf.
5.  Repeat your selection again.
6.  Repeat it again, through gritted teeth.
7.  Scream your selection over the phone, startling passersby into thinking that you are a crazy person.
8.  Remove the phone from your face, hold it directly in front of your mouth, and scream your selection, over-enunciating every word because the robot on the other end is clearly stupid and can't understand freaking English.
9.  Throw phone into a quarry.
10.  Retrieve phone, repeat steps 1-8.

Then, after 10 minutes or so of desperately trying to speak to someone, the robot on the other end will give up and...direct you to an associate.  At this point you are so frustrated and exhausted that you don't even care if your problem gets solved.

Which was the point all along.